(no subject)

Why am I so ugg? I dont get it. Thing are moving in a desirable way, why dont I want to just be happy and run my lifes path? I should be happy, excited, and scared. But instead I am sad, distracted and feeling like I am missing someting. But what?
Life is so confusing and hard all the time. Even if things seem perfect on the outside somehow they are "F"ed on the inside.

(no subject)

Fear or love, that is all we are allowed to show.

I am either scared or I am doing good and I only feel what you want me to.  You ask and I do.  Like a puppet just waiting to be pulled.  But you dont pull, you throw me around like I am nothing, because that is what I am to you.  Yet you are something to me.  I dont know what but you are, and I try to let you go but I cant.  I am sure you have, but I have vagina on my side.

(no subject)

So I am in not so sunny Arizona. My grandma is nuts. She is so excited I am here. This morning at 5 am she was tucking me in and making sure I was okay, then she turned on the heater because she thought I was cold. Then this morning she made a single cup of coffee just for me. Its funny. Anyways its not so sunny here. Raining actually, good thing I only brought summer cloths.

(no subject)

So its offical, I am 20 in 45 Minutes.  Lets make the Best of it.

I will be making an appearance (hopefully not to embarrasingly drunk) at the


9 PM.

This is of course on the night of February 4th.

If you would like to show some support for the beginning of the end of my life, shake a tail feather in my directions.

Wish me luck.

betty boop

Walking Away.

I was done, it was over.
Then today... 
I tried to hold my breath, close my eyes and hope it would all go away.
I could tell you were thinking about it and I was IceWomen, protector of the goods.
You smiled at me, made those uncomfortable random comments, and I started to remeber.
(be cool, be cool) I sat there "reading" the handout.
I know you were staring at me.
Please make those memories go away.
I wish I could wash it all away and we could be perfect strangers.
  • Current Music
    Kissing the Lipless
betty boop

(no subject)

This is mine:
- dirty cloths
- I am drunk again, what am I doing
- random friends, or that is what they say they are
- children running in the streets
- my dog runs infront of a car, I scream
- I sit here contemplating my choices
- breath, in, out
- Work, sales letters, endless contact lists
- I am thinking about you again, why
- washing their hair again, small talk, polite smiles
- dirty cloths
- calm
- beep, beep - I start again
- pointless jokes, pointless conversation
- uncomfortable situations I created
- did that actually happen
- unwanted friendships or relations
- sad, dont cry
- long nights, random conversation
- I feel old, unaccomplished
- meetings, conferences, look interested, contacts contacts, contacts
- phone calls, sound understanding, explain, is this me talking
- forget conversations, not feeling normal
- feel like I am living someone else's life
- I lay here alone, once more
- the sun rises and so do I, its routine, mine
- Its all mine, whether I want it or not.

(no subject)

So I am 20 in a week plus one day. My teenagehood is almost over and I feel like I am forgetting to do something.
I know this is strange but I somehow wish that I had gotten arrested before I turn 20. But I now realize that is a stupid idea.